Past its Prime

I came across your site (for obvious reasons I’m sure you will understand) and noted that you were short on stories.  Well, it only took me a moment to compose one of many many stories regarding my own relationship with a MIL from hell. 

I guess it’s not hard to already discern I have little or no relationship with my current MIL.  The love was not there from the start, as I married a Mamma’s Boy and shame on me for taking away her pride and joy.  Not as the old saying goes- gain a daughter, lose a son – in this case.  There were problems from the get-go but I was young and naive and thought it would all get better AFTER we were married.  Yeah, ok, that never happened, it only got worse. 

I don’t have much of a relationship with my MIL, or SIL for that matter.  I have very little contact with either of them, as I’ve learned staying away helps keep me sane.  But after not visiting with them for over a year, my husband felt the “need” for them to come over to our house and spend Christmas Day.  I was smart enough to have a house full of other guests as to make the situation a pleasant one for me.  We exchanged gifts with the in-laws and what did I get from my doting MIL?  A gift card for the local grocery store along with a “recycling grocery bag” filled with multiple household food items……………………..a mish mash of things to say the least.  But the kicker? The items placed in the bag were all EXPIRED!  Not one item could be used as many were as old as one full year past their expiration date.  There was whole wheat pasta, maple syrup, bisquick mix, teas and cakes…………..all well past their prime and not fit for anyone to eat.

 I hadn’t noticed the items’ expiration dates until the day after.  I had mentioned to my husband that the items were not of use and expired.  His reply:  Well, I’m sure we have items in our cabinets that are expired too.  However, my point was I’m not handing them out as Christmas gifts! 

My husband saw nothing wrong with his mother’s gift to me.  He was quick to explain that his mother has given his sister expired items as well and that it is no big deal.

 I tried to impress upon him that I didn’t know which was more insulting: the fact that she did her Christmas shopping for me via her kitchen cabinets or the fact that they were all expired!  In either case, it doesn’t give you a warm fuzzy feeling, does it?!?

 Needless to say she is the apple of his eye and will never have an unkind word to say about the woman who brought him into this world.

Can you explain to me why this is?

Buttinsky

I have had a pretty up and down relationship with MIL since the very beginning. As long as I am doing what she thinks I should be doing we get along fine. 

Our first ever huge argument came about because my back outdoor area wasn’t clean enough, after me telling her that it really had nothing to do with her she told me “You will never be good enough for my son”. That was nearly 8 years ago and it has been a rollercoaster ride ever since. 

So the latest ‘discussion’ came when DH and I decided we would buy a new house. So we found a great place and put in an offer which was accepted. So, full of anticipation we decide to show the in-laws and my Mum. We took two cars as Mum and I wanted to do some shopping after. Anyway all went well and we all headed in different directions, DH and in-laws back to our place and then supposedly home. Mum and I did what we had to and about 4hrs later went home. 

As we pulled into our driveway I see the in-laws car still in the drive. I knew straight away that there was trouble brewing!! 

So once inside it starts.

MIL: ”I didn’t like that house and FIL and I have been talking and decided it isn’t right”

ME: ‘Well too bad MIL DH and I HAVE spoken about it and it is our decision to make not yours”

DH: “Mum back off – it has nothing to do with you – Dad and I have been talking and done some figures and we really will have to struggle to pay that place off”

ME: “Well DH I really wish you had decided to discuss this with me in private as it is our business and nobody else’s”

MIL: “He is OUR son and anything that happens in his life is OUR business”

ME: “Well if you feel that way MIL why don’t you all go and buy a house together and leave me the hell alone, now as I own this house and have worked my darn arse off to pay for it I would like you to leave before I say something I may or may not regret”

MIL: “Hmmppff well I suppose it’s time we should go anyway – see you tomorrow night then”

ME: “Probably not”

FIL: “Get in the car you silly old woman”

DH: Silence 

Now I don’t mind that FIL and DH did the figures, it’s that MIL thinks she has the right to decide what DH does in his life – the man is nearly 40 for crying out loud!!! 

So the next night we head to BILs house for FILs birthday dinner. Everything was fine and MIL was civil. So DH decided to bring up that we had decided to go to my sisters place for Christmas. 

DH: ”DW (me) and I have been talking about Christmas and DW told me to make the decision on what we would be doing, so I have decided to go to DWs sisters place”

MIL: “Yeah right I bet YOU made that decision, you always do what SHE tells you to do, I can’t handle this I need a smoke”

DH: “We really want to see the nieces and nephews on Christmas morning opening their presents, it so nice spending Christmas with the kids”

MIL: “Well if your wife wasn’t so useless and could give you children you wouldn’t have to go away to have kids at your Christmas would you.” 

Now I am infertile and we have been going through treatment for nearly ten very long years. So I didn’t actually hear this whole conversation just DH say “That’s it you have over stepped the mark this time, DW we are out of here!!” 

So MIL – Whatever – I am over your crap.

Apron Strings

My Fiancé and I will be getting married in August 2010. I have been with him for over four years and we have been attached at the hips ever since day one. When we began to go out in high school his parents were still married. His father is an alcoholic and his mother was threatening for 3 years to divorce him before a physical altercation involved the police and she finally filed for divorce.

I have never gotten along with his father. The man is very stubborn and opinionated. I have been raised to speak up for myself and to think for myself and future FIL doesn’t care about anyone’s opinion but his own. He makes it clear that I annoy him with my opinions so I try not to engage him in conversation anymore. He then tells my future SIL, an 18 year old with a thing for gossip and letting cats out of bags, that he doesn’t think I like him. It’s difficult to like and enjoy the company of a person who cuts conversations off when you try to join them.

I would not care as much but he treats my fiancé like a child. He will only call his son if he wants him to do some sort of chore for him. It is not uncommon to cut our evenings short because his father has decided to move a piece of furniture yet again. It has been this way his entire life, when we were 16 my fiancé had most of the chores his father should have done because he was too drunk/passed out to contribute.

This brings me to my future MIL. My fiancé has been doing everything for her most of his youth and early adult life that she comes to expect him to change or cancel his plans if they conflict with something she wants him to do. Our last anniversary (yes I know it’s not a wedding anniversary but we still feel they are special) she told my fiance she had planned a night out and he had to be there to give his sister her medicine, first at 6pm and then at 830. So there was no way for us to continue with our plans. She is trying to keep the umbilical cord tightly attached and gets upset the more time he spends with my and his family. Just this weekend for thanksgiving (Canadian) she refused to sit at the ‘adult table’ and instead sat at the cousin table with us because she ‘never gets to see my son’ anymore. The next day we were at her ex’s family for another thanksgiving and she did the same thing.

When we first got engaged she was gave her ‘blessing’ only on the condition that it would be a long engagement. Initially we agreed that we should have a long engagement because he was still going to school. We decided we could work around this issue and want to get married as soon as possible so now we are in the wedding planning stages and my future MIL is upset because we have decided to push the wedding date up and move into my parent’s house until we have more money for a down payment and my fiancé can finish school. She has lamented that she is not ready for my fiancé to move out.

Her opinions surrounding the wedding are to spend as little money as possible, go cheap cheap cheap. Now I am the last person to say screw the budget, I am a very frugal person. But I want to have the best wedding I can afford and make the day special. She seems to think that anything we plan is over the top. I am Italian but it is over the top to add the traditional antipasto to the meal. If I served cheese and cracker out of the local elementary school gym wearing my best skirt I would make her happy. But it wouldn’t make me happy.

Also, and I am really just venting now, she has mentioned on numerous occasions her expectation to retire and move in with myself and my fiancé. Now I have been to her family functions, as I mentioned before, and I have seen how she acts in her sister’s and SIL’s kitchens, her quickness to criticize assures me I would never want to share a kitchen let alone a house with that woman. (p.s. I think its rich for someone with such bland cooking to say anything about how other people make their dishes). My fiancé always makes it into a joke and moves on to another topic, but she has said on more than one occasion how she was going to live with us, and be a built in babysitter.

My final issue has to do with my future SIL. She isn’t the problem, but she creates the problem. She has a form of autism that manifests itself as a severe social disorder and is very difficult to get along with. I do not agree with the family’s plans for her. MIL wants to put SIL into a home and then move in with us. I come from a very close family and my nephew has autism and I could never imagine abandoning family like this. MIL says repeatedly that she doesn’t want to take care of her disturbed daughter for the rest of her life. Needless to say this as not helped my trepidation when it comes to her.

Anyways I didn’t mean to go on for so long, I am not even married into the family yet!

Can You Hear Me Now?

My MIL is in the nursing home recovering from orthopaedic surgery. Her room has absolutely no amenities, so Husband brought her TV from home and hooked it up. We replaced our old cell phone we kept at home for emergencies with a newer, easier to use cell phone and loaned it to her. We just got the bill for the upgrade.

When Husband and I went in to update our phones this week, we were a bit upset to find out that the phone we had just replaced a month ago wouldn’t work on the new plan. But we sucked it up and got yet another phone, which is very similar to the one MIL already had.

She was fine with it.

But then my SIL1, who was visiting from out of state, decided to mess with the phone by creating shortcuts, and filing numbers under odd names, plus she forgot to include the area codes of “local” numbers since “her plan” doesn’t require that. MIL calls Husband, upset because she can’t work the phone. Husband calls SIL2 and asks what happened, then SIL1 calls US back and tells us it’s our fault in the first place for getting her a new phone. “Why did you have to change plans?! *I* didn’t have to change plans! It’s all YOUR fault! You fix it!” (I’m paraphrasing.)

Husband calls  SIL2 and asks what the heck is up SIL1’s SIL1’s butt, and starts to tell her how SIL1 messed with the phone, but SIL2 interrupts and said that SIL1 didn’t do ANYTHING to that phone…and why did you have to get a new phone anyway…?? Broken record…

I told my husband if I hear one more damn word about that phone, I will tell the daughters (SIL1 and SIL2) they can go out and get their mom a phone of THEIR choosing, and that they should be grateful that we are loaning MIL the phone we normally keep at home for my mom when she comes to visit the kids in case of an emergency …AND that WE paid for – twice – and are paying the monthly usage for!

Carrying the Torch

Greetings!

Imagine my surprise a few mornings ago when I woke up and noticed Sane In Law’s post about passing the torch. Though it has been slow as of late, I have always enjoyed the posts here and would have been very sad to see it disappear, and after a flurry of emails between The Sane in Law and I, here I am!

Until I think of a better moniker, you can call me Starsky, and to start us off, I’ll share one of my own stories with you.

Two hands and three irons

It’s time to pass this torch to someone who has the time to not only keep the blog updated but to beat the bushes of the internet for in-law stories, which I’m sure are out there, but I just don’t have time to bushwhack.

If you are a Sane In-Law and you would like to take the reins of this currently lame pony, contact me at inlawssuck (at) yahoo (dot) com.

An operator is standing by!

Second Fiddle

My husband’s “Dad” (I hesitate to use that word to describe this man) started out as his step-dad but then adopted my husband when he was eight years old. My husband’s birth father left his mother when he was just a baby so his adopted Dad is the only father he’s ever had. Shortly after we were married, my in-laws went through a bitter divorce with my FIL being a total jackass to my MIL.

After that, we heard from my FIL a lot. It was all about how to have a good marriage and bullshit like that. (Sure, I’ll take the advice of a man with two bitter divorces in his past, working on his third wife.) He even sent us one those stupid Mars and Venus books. Once that died down, he kept in touch a normal amount. We flew out to the East Coast for his wedding. After that, as he becamed wrapped up in his wife’s family (they live out there) and we heard from him less and less. I figured it was the same situation with my husband’s two brothers (FIL’s two sons from his first marriage) but we would hear things from them that led me to believe FIL was in communication with them much more with them than he was with my husband. Then my husband tried something.

My husband didn’t email my FIL to see how long it would take FIL to contact him. It took a year. We got a card and some presents for Christmas. The last straw for me, the one that made me write off my FIL completely as a decent human being, came when he was flying to New Zealand to visit one of his sons. He was spending two weeks in New Zealand for a visit. He had a three-hour layover at an airport near us so he asked my husband to meet him for lunch. One hour for my husband, two weeks on the other side of the world for his “real” son. My husband was pissed and hurt and didn’t meet the man for lunch, and really didn’t talk to him after that. That was a couple years ago. We’ve only exchanged Christmas cards since then, until recently.

The first time my husband hears from the man in years and it is an ultra-liberal email about healthcare reform. When it comes to issues like that, we run pretty conservative and my husband likes to argue, so they have exchanged some emails on the subject. Now, my FIL is spamming him with email forwards and links.

A couple days ago, my husband emailed my FIL asking him not to send those emails anymore, that he would much prefer to hear how FIL and his wife are doing and what is going on with everyone. FIL replied saying sorry but he wasn’t going to stop because he thinks it is more important that my husband be educated about important issues and that if my husband didn’t like it, there is always the spam folder.

I suggested my husband either not respond at all or respond with exactly the type of email he’d like to receive from FIL, filled with news about us. If it were me, however, I’d tell FIL to fuck off and never bother with him again. MIL is great and married to a great man who acts like a real father to my husband (New FIL has known my husband almost his whole life). My daughter calls New FIL Papa and has never even seen my husband’s “Dad” and never will if I can help it. In fact, I wish we didn’t have that man’s last name since it is clearly meaningless to him that we do.

Mouth Still Open – Mind Still Reeling

I just got back from vacation with DH and BIL. I’ve been married 5 years to a wonderful, tolerant man. DH, BIL and their mother used to take vacations twice a year together after their dad died. Out of respect for their privacy and so they could spend some quality time together, I stayed away from their vacations for those 5 years – thinking I had DH all to myself all the rest of the year, and not wanting to complicate or cause them a change in plans or rooms especially since their mother was elderly and in relatively poor health. She was a dear lady and we actually got along well, though I did not see her often. 

When my MIL passed away 7 months ago, we were all saddened by her loss and DH thought then that he, I and BIL should take a week’s vacation together to help get BIL away from his house for a week. I was happy and looking forward to it. (A little BIL history: BIL is 50 years old, lived with his mother all his life, drinks beer every night in a bar, has never had a girlfriend, and is obese. He goes on vacations abroad with his bar buddies about once a year and he lives about 20 miles from us, still in his mother’s house. Every offer or kind and gentle suggestion to maybe go someplace else once or twice a week other than a bar has been met with snurly comments, so eventually we just stopped suggesting.) 

Just after MIL passed away, I began cooking dinners twice a week and BIL came over to eat. He didn’t say much, which I interpreted as being grief and sadness from his mother’s death, so I tried to be understanding and sympathetic. 

For 6 months, I have cooked Sunday dinner and we have bad BIL over for then.

I have been welcoming, encouraging and friendly. 

This week’s vacation (we’ve only been back 2 days) has been one of the most shocking, horrible experiences of my entire life. There was no physical violence, no shouting, just a continual, unrelenting dark cloud of negativity, grunts, snarly responses and veiled insults to our intelligence to the most politely phrased and necessary of simple questions. “Would you like pizza this evening?” etc. Everything DH and I said was argued with, somehow “wrong”, and the overall atmosphere was bristling with hostility from BIL. I am still reeling from the previous week because again–I have never been treated with such utter disrespect in my life. 

Every night we were there, BIL expected (and got) my husband to go out to the local bar with him from 9:30 p.m. until 11:30 while BIL drank his beer. My husband doesn’t drink, but felt like he should go so BIL would have someone to talk to. 

By the last day of vacation, BIL was more rude and sarcastic than ever, even though he only drinks from about 9:30 p.m. until midnight. But through the day when he was “sober”, he was so spiteful and anti-social. 

When the cab pulled up in front of his house to take us to our house, he did not even wave goodbye to us, though we had paid for 2/3 the vacation house, 1/2 the gas for his car, thanked him profusely for driving us in his car, and when he’d had a touch of car trouble at the end, insisted for paying for “half” since he implied that the weight of all of us in his car had “caused” the problem.

When my husband phoned BIL after we’d gotten home, (I’d had it by that point) I took the phone and said: “The next time someone is waving ‘bye’ to you, the least you could do is wave back!” (the only harsh words I’d spoken to him EVER) – this after I KNEW he’d seen both my husband and me waving bye to him. He claimed he HAD waved – (which he hadn’t), so I said: “You did NOT!” — and he lied and said, “Maybe you didn’t see it. It was a little wave.” (Not true by any stretch of the imagination.) 

I know I sound like a broken record when I say again that I am still reeling from this, never have I been treated this way, especially on a continual week-long basis – and I it’s day 2 being home and I still don’t feel back to “normal” yet. 

To add insult to injury, DH still feels sorry for him and wants us to have him over every Sunday afternoon for dinner, so, BIL came over yesterday. (DH and I had words about this. I felt like cooking for him was reinforcing that he could just treat us any old way and still be welcome.) BIL would not look me in the eye when he arrived. In my heart, I had resolved NOT to invite him back. He did not apologize for his horrible week-long attitude or for lying. Then, after dinner, do you know what BIL did? He stood at the door and mumbled: “Thanks for the meal. See you next Sunday.” (I had not even invited him! He just assumed he could come back, even after ruining an entire expensive weeklong vacation and causing so much stress and unhappiness by hateful comments and attitudes.) 

We were there for BIL during his mother’s illness, during her funeral and have been there for him ever since after – and it has not been appreciated in the least from what we can tell. We are not even treated with common decency. One would treat a stranger with more kindness than BIL has shown. Let me state before closing that if BIL had just treated me with just some respect — or I would not be feeling this traumatized or shocked. But I was treated like a dirty disposal rag that he had no use for — the ENTIRE vacation time. DH was not treated much better. Yet DH “feels sorry” for BIL and like he should somehow be responsible for BIL’s life and happiness. 

Thank you for letting me vent. I’m sure it sounded like a jumble of craziness — but as I said, I am still reeling from this person’s attitude and actions.

The Crazies – Part 3 (and Hopefully the Finale)

I’ve blogged a few times about my less than respectful in-laws, BIL & SIL. (The In-Sanes and The Crazies (Part 2), and in Paybacks). And how my in-laws after so long still refuse to see our blended family as a whole. They continue to favour, spoil and single out my husband’s daughter. She lives a 6 hour drive from us, so when we do have time with her it is family time, and that’s how we come, as 5, not as one. We have re-iterated this to the in-laws so many times I’ve lost count. They not only have grandchildren from us, my BIL has 3 children as well.

MIL keeps trying to weasel her way back over here, but only when my stepdaughter is here. However, FIL loathes me so much, he is punishing our kids for it and hasn’t seen them in almost a year or more. He ignores my husband and is just a miserable person to deal with.

After a lot of therapy for the anxiety all of this has caused, my husband and I have reached the end of the line with this final blow.

My stepdaughter was supposed to come to our house for the summer. She spends 1.5 months here. The last stipulation we left for the in-laws was if they were so intent on seeing their favourite granddaughter “alone” as they want to, we told them to make arrangements to travel up to see her where she lives the other half of the summer themselves. It would not be fair to our other kids to have her go off with them and the others be left behind if they picked her up during her summer stay with us.

The arrived on a Thursday in her town for 5 days. On the following Tuesday they were instructed to drop her off at our house. They managed to get to her mother and have her tell me that my stepdaughter wanted to stay at their house for a “holiday”. When I told her I had made plans for all the kids for that week, she quoted something that my in-laws had said to me, that her daughter is their “blood” and they have a right to her and if my daughter (from my first marriage) wants grandparent time, to call my own parents and get it from them. No mention EVER of our son together (who happens to be their “blood”).

So they managed to back door us into having my stepdaughter for an extra week in their home 20 minutes away from my home. A friend of mine called to say that she saw my stepdaughter in our town just yesterday!!!!

Well, I think the message the in-laws are sending is clear, they only want to see their “blood” granddaughter, who is their obvious favourite. So hubby and I have decided that they can make whatever arrangements they want with her mother to see her on their terms, but it cannot impede on our vacation time with her. And our children (my daughter and our son together) that live in this house year round are off limits. They make no attempt to be grandparents unless they feel obligated to. Our children are not going to be pawns in their game. They can explain to their granddaughter later on in life why they chose her over all the others. This also means that we do not want gifts sent here anymore either. They continually mail gifts (even though they live 20 mins away) and never see or call the other kids. To me it’s a ploy to make them look good.

I know it seems like we are letting them win, and maybe to them we are, but in the grand scheme of things they are losing so much more than they will ever realize. Our children are precious and will not have them tainted by their negative and selfish behaviour.

Sand-of-a-Beach!

We live on a sandy bit of property. Sandy as in sandy, not sandy as in beachy (unfortunately).

The other day my husband’s BIL called and asked my husband if he could fill up a 5 – gallon bucket with some sand BIL wanted to use for a landscaping project, and that BIL would be right over to pick it up.

I’m sorry, but to me that’s being obscenely lazy, especially since BIL live less than a mile away and we sit on 10 acres of sand. It’s not like we would have noticed if he’d come over himself and filled up a bucket with sand!

Wrist Slap

If this was purely MY blog and MY stories about my in-laws, I would just suck it up when commenters didn’t necessary agree with my frustration with my in-laws.

However, this not just MY blog; it is all of the daughters-(or brothers)-in-law who deal with in-laws. They come here to share their stories because they need a place to vent. I make no judgements. I hope I have made this a safe haven. Part of this haven is having a very stringent comment policy. You can offer suggestions. You can offer advice. You can commiserate. However, criticism of the author will not be tolerated. If you’re not sure what I mean, here are three comments that I recently deleted from the blog:

1) Oh honey, the problem here is with you, not them.  Try reading what you wrote and pretending someone was talking about you.

2) me thinks that you are a twee bit selfish here mama.  You need to do some self analysis.

 3) The author of the post has failed to set boundaries and lay down expectations with HER own family; it’s her responsibility, not her husband’s, to speak up.  She knows that her family is driving her husband -and her!- nuts, so she needs to step up and say something.  Not just let things continue the way they are.  She just doesn’t want to be the “Bad Guy” in her family by telling them that things need to change, so she’s sitting back watching her family mnmembers [sic] push her family around schedule and time-wise, and torture her kid (as she puts it).  She needs to grow a spine and change the game.

I don’t want to alienate commenters, but my loyalty lies with the authors of these stories. Your attention to my commenting policy in the future will be greatly appreciated.

Divorcing the In-Laws

So… I am the one who blogged “Bad Dream Wedding, Nightmare Honeymoon” back in January. It has been 6 months since I got married and I sadly report that the In-Laws have struck again, so I have finally decided to divorce them.

Here is how everything unraveled…
 
Just to give you some background information, MIL has a housekeeper who has worked for her for over 10 years. That lady used to clean my house once a week. One day I asked her if she would please iron my husband’s shirts since she had not done so in over 3 weeks. She told me that I had no right to give her orders and asked me who do I think I am. I responded (very diplomatically since she was my MIL’s maid) that I was the lady of the house now and all I was asking for was respect. The housekeeper told me I was an intruder and a fake and when I asked her to leave my house she almost slapped me. Only after I asked my husband to tell her to leave is when she did. She would not leave unless my husband gave her the order.

After that incident the only one who offered support was FIL. MIL knew all about it but did nothing, she never spoke to me about it. I let it go, and continued as if nothing had happened.
 
SO….
 
Last week FIL and Hubbyasked me to go to the in laws home to fetch a document for them. When I got there only the housekeeper was there. She saw me and ignored me, but when I asked where the document FIL needed was she screamed “By the table!”. I responded that she need not yell and that she needed to show me respect. The housekeeper came up to me and “got in my face” telling me who do you think you are, telling me I play the good girl card to the family but she will expose me as a fake. I stopped her in her tracks and told her that she had to stop speaking to me that way and I demanded respect as a human being and as my husband’s wife; that she is being paid to clean not to attack me. I got so mad that I yelled to myself “who does this &%^$# maid think she is?!” (I recognize I did wrong here). I stormed downstairs to grab my things and leave, when she comes from behind and hits me in the back. This is while I’m walking downstairs, so I almost fell, then she passes me in the stairs slamming me against the wall, and she runs to the phone.
 
Although she hit me, I did not touch her ONLY because I knew that this woman is 2 months pregnant. I left and called my husband to let him know I had been physically attacked by this crazy woman. He assured me that he would take care of this situation. In the meantime my two SIL started calling me and my husband insulting us with the most vicious and vulgar language you could imagine. Apparently the housekeeper told them that I had gone to their home to insult and hit her. SILs swore on their mother’s grave that they would not stop until they destroyed me, they insulted my family and just let go of all their vile on me and my husband. I said nothing and just asked them to not call me again.
 
FIL supports us 100% but he has no control over what happens in his home. MIL has not said a word to me but takes the housekeeper’s and SIL’s side. I for one have decided not to go to their home again while that woman works there, for I feel I am in danger. It kind of feels good not to put up with all the hate so I might as well just keep away all together…
 
Please tell me what you think, I don’t know what to do… Thoughts?

In-Law Complaint By Proxy

I am going to complain about my family on my husband’s behalf. This complaint involves a SIL, a BIL, and a AIL (aunt).

First off, I have been wanting a break from my aunt for awhile. She is my (dead) dad’s childless older sister. She wants to visit my toddler every Sunday. My husband and I both work long hours and really cherish our weekends. It is kind of pain to have her come over for two hours every Sunday and interrupt our family time. We also don’t want her to take the kid for two hours because we want to spend time with the kid.

Anyway, my aunt got her kid time in on Saturday this weekend because I was having a garage sale, so I told her she could go with my husband to the kid’s swim lesson to help him out. She did and then she spent a considerable amount of time at the house afterwards. I was safe in the driveway, but my poor husband had his free time encroached upon.

My mom normally has family dinner on Sunday but it was canceled this week. I was a little bummed because I had been thinking that would be a good time to visit with my step-brother who is in town. So, my mom ended up inviting just us over. My sister and BIL were taking the aunt to dinner and a movie that night and my step-sister had been over the day before, so we were looking forward to a low-key evening with just my parents and my step-brother.

Since my sister had plans during family dinner time, she wanted to come over to our house earlier in the day to visit with the kid since they wouldn’t have seen her all week. I told my sister that we were pretty busy and I hadn’t firmed up times for a couple things, so I would have to let her know. She let me know that early morning and mid-afternoon would work well with her schedule. I laughed and told her we don’t want morning visitors. She got more specific and said, “Ok, we can come over from 3-4.” I told her I would let her know.

We ended up being busy until 3:50 on Sunday. I called my sister because I said I would, even though I knew she probably wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, and told her that we would be going over to my parents’ house shortly and if she wanted to visit the kid, she could do it there. She couldn’t, of course, because of the movie time.

We had the nice, enjoyable, low-key evening we were expecting at my parents’ house. After dinner, we were hanging out in the family room. The men were watching the Lakers game. My mom was in the kitchen making Amish friendship bread. I was looking through sales fliers and the kid was playing quietly on the floor. Then, my sister, BIL, and aunt showed up and everything went to shit.

There weren’t enough seats in the family room for everyone, so my sister brought in some folding chairs. It was instantly crowded and noisy. My BIL took the kid out in the backyard and got her all riled up and let her get into the pool toys and bring them in the house. My sister and aunt talked through the whole game, pissing off my step-dad and my step-brother (he went out front to make calls on his cell phone to get away). My aunt called my kid “unsociable” because the kid wanted to play with what she wanted to play with and wouldn’t come over to the aunt’s chair whenever the aunt wanted her to. Also, my aunt kept torturing my kid by trying to hold her when she didn’t want to be held, and make her give my aunt hugs and kisses when she didn’t want to, which totally pisses me off because she just keeps insisting long after it is apparent that the kid isn’t going to give in.

So, it was finally coming to an end, they were heading out to a restaurant for dinner. I heard the kid whining in the other room and my aunt saying, “Give me kiss.” I yelled, “Quit torturing her!” A minute later my aunt walked into the family room and said, “Well, that wasn’t any fun.” I assumed she was referring to stopping by uninvited* to visit the kid and the kid not obeying her every command, and I said, “She wasn’t put on this planet to entertain you.” Before I even got my sentence out, my husband said, “She’s not your plaything.” My aunt said, “I never said she was!” got mad and stormed out.

I don’t think she’s ever stormed out on me before or got mad at me like that, so I was a little shocked, but I was still more irritated by the whole visit than anything else, so I wasn’t really sorry about it. Now, I do feel a little guilty, but maybe I can get a break from her for awhile.

*After they left, I found out that my sister had called while my mom was in the kitchen after dinner to ask if we were still there and if they could come over. I told my mom that a little heads up would have been nice. I don’t like being forced to visit with people against my will.

-Irritated with My Husband’s In-Laws

“My baaaabeeeee!”

[My MIL] wailed in the bathroom at my wedding reception that she has just loooooost her baaaaaaaaaby…. 

And she rolled her eyes when my husband said he was so proud to be my man at our rehearsal dinner… 

And boy was she angry with me when I didn’t ask my SIL to be a bridesmaid…she told my then-fiance, “if your wife-to-be would have been a big enough person to ask your sister to be a BM, I had convinced her to be a big enough person to say actually say yes.” 

And at my wedding, standing there in my dress, as the Bride, I see her for the first time and say, “MIL, you look beautiful!” And she says, “thank you.” I reach out to hug her, and her hands stay firmly at her sides. 

Witch.

I wanted to XBox her in the face.

My husband and I were newly engaged and it was the week before his birthday.  Wanting to completely surprise him and knock his socks off, I decided to get him the new electronic game system he’d been coveting since it’s release, an XBox*.  I went to Best Buy on my lunch break from work and they said they apologized, but were out of the system.  More would be arriving on Sunday.  My husbands’ birthday was on Tuesday, so I decided I’d stop by on Monday, pick up the game, wrap it at work, and have it under our bed on Tuesday morning.  I envisioned waking up and telling him to look under the bed for a surprise.  He was going to be SO excited that it made me SO excited.

So Saturday arrives, and my ILs come to visit their son.  While alone in the car with them for a moment I excitedly say, “I figured out what I’m going to get J* for his birthday!  An XBox*!!”  My MIL exclaimed, “Ooooh, that’s a great gift.  We should go halves on that.” 

Huh?

I was a little dumbfounded, but figured – whatever, she’ll leave town and I’ll get the gift and if she later wants to send me half the cost or something I’ll still get to surprise J*, and that’s what matters.  Don’t make too big a deal out of it.  Even though my hands started to sweat.

Later that day, at lunch, she says in front of my husband that “we should run over to Best Buy to pick up your preeeeesent…”  At this point, I’m fuming because that was enough of a hint to have my man suspicious, but also because I knew they were out of the game system until the next day, but how do I tell her that with my husband sitting right there?  Confused, my husband looks to me…I think I asked him to pass the salt or something…my hands wringing in my lap.

Somehow it gets dropped.  As we head out to the car though, having decided that it was time for them to head home, and us to go get ready for dinner reservations we had later that night, she tells us, “hold on a sec,” gets into her purse, and starts writing a check.  Oh, okay…so maybe she’s going to give me a check to help cover the cost?  I’m still peeved that the Best Buy hint has been given, and that half my credit is gone, but again – I’m thrilled if I get to surprise him on his actual birthday three days away still.

Hand outstretched, she hands the check to J* and says, “Here!  We’re buying you an Xbox!”

His face lit up.  He hugged his mom, “Thank you SO much, mom!”  Graciously (**eye roll**), she says, “It’s from us, all of us.”  He looks at me, “Really?  Aww, thank you sweetie.”  I pathetically wimper…”They’re…umm…out of stock…umm…until Sunday…so, um, we can go tomorrow if you want…”

Everyone hugs goodbye.  We get into our car, J* hands me the check – it’s in the amount of the total cost of the Xbox*…my husband is beaming…I burst into tears.

It took several shots of Vodka, a lot of crying and explaining and wailing, and what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-that-woman-ing to get me to calm down enough to enjoy our dinner out.

I ended up having nothing to give him for his bday.  It’s been 2 years.  I’m still bitter.

He still doesn’t have an Xbox*.

* Some names have been changed to protect the innocent gaming device.

My In-Laws Are the Spawn of Satan: Chapter 3 “You love each other and that is all that counts. Oh, and his failing to give me one minute of his time.”

I think you misread what I wanted to say to you. 

1.  Son-IL could have come home for 1 minute to say hello when FIL and I came to your house. 

2.  YOU are a mother now and will want only wonderful and productive things for your son besides of course health and wisdom and success.  That is what I hoped for my children and I will ALWAYS be your mother and there when you need me…that will not change.  Unfortunately, I was embarrassed Son-IL did not have a minute to say hello to me when we came to town.  I truly hope my grandson never does that to an in law when he marries as it is hurtful….done, though. 

3.  As far as the wedding…forget it.  It will save me an airfare and an extra room.  Also, I will not bring it up again because I know you do not want to go……too much on your plate.  You will have to tell the family because I will not….too embarrassed after what LMN’s kids are pulling.  Someday when grandson gets married you will understand as his mother. 

4.  Sorry to be so blunt but I have been holding this in for a long time.  I love you, Daughter and always will…just do not like some of the things you have chosen for yourself………not Son-IL if that is what you think.  You love each other and that is all that counts.

 5.  One more thing…….I will not go out of my way for Son-IL anymore as he could not find 5 minutes for me this last trip after schlepping out to town and of course getting lost except for the fixing the computer which I paid him for. I have done more for Son-IL than the normal mother in law and I ALWAYS wind up on the wrong side of any issue. I am simply too old for the disappointment and let downs.  It is not the $$……I would sell my jewelry if you were on the street and you know that and Son-IL did not find 5 minutes to say hello so I did not need to be embarrassed.

Oh well.

I LOVE YOU AND GIVE KISSES AND HUGS TO [GRANDSON] FOR ME.  I HUNG HIS PICS ALL OVER…HE IS REALLY CUTE.

I LOVE YOU,

MOM

My In-Laws Are the Spawn of Satan: Chapter 2 “Passive-Aggressive Shaming”

Hi,

I am punishing myself too that I taught you that everything is about XYZ.  You have a father and mother as well.  I cannot tell you how embarrassed I am that my child cannot come to a family wedding for 24 hours. Yes, I know school starts 10 days later and of course you will be away from XYZ for 24 hours.  However, I have never turned you down on any issue and my brother will be very upset the family is not there.  You have to do what you have to do and I am not telling you “no wedding…no rent”.  I am telling you I am ashamed of myself and your father for not teaching you that favors go both ways.  I will help you this month and that is it.

I love you and need you in my life and you can be as angry as you wish……I am not only angry on many issues but feel so let down that I did not teach you that if you are given you must give back.  Teach XYZ PLEASE what I have told you….family comes first and to think ahead, I love you and will let you know how we want to pay the rent this month.

Mom

Send me the name and address as to where the rent should go.  I will mail the $ .   I am not ASHAMED OF  you…just some of your decisions.  I was angry about you not wanting to make the time to go and said those foolish words to you………………you know I want you there.  You can come in Sat. Morn and drive  my car up there yourself (We are leaving Fri.)  and then drive back Sunday Morn and go home……24 hours.

I AM NOT ASHAMED OF YOU…..Do not put words in my mouth.  Perhaps you give back but not to me on issues you know damn well are important to me.

I love you

Be well,

Mom

My In-Laws Are the Spawn of Satan: Chapter 1

My wife and I have been married 2 1/2 years and have a beautiful 2 month old baby and her parents and brother have done nothing but cause chaos, try to destroy our marriage, keep my wife crying by the things they say to her. I am convinced that they are 100% pure evil. The are the most self centered, crazy, disgusting people I have ever witnessed. They are the definition of a inner-meshed family.

The father is a 70 year old, washed up, real estate agent who has no spine and lets his sick, pathetic, control freak of a wife control. The MIL is BEYOND EVIL. She sits and smokes in bed with her husband who has heart surgery. She stays up for days making up insane scenarios in her head. She doesn’t eat and she has not seen a doctor in 5+ years. She is the most hateful person. She has a son from her 1st marriage who is a complete loser. You’re talking about a guy who is 41, has 2 kid,s a non working wife, 2 cars and has no job. He lives a lap of luxury life off the mother. They constantly buy him $5000 watches $7000 camera’s vacations, clothes, food, mortgage and car payments, but my wife asks for a loan of a few hundred bucks and Satan has risen from her grave.

The evil in laws liked me up until the day we got engaged and at that point everything changed. I guess you can say their true colors came out.

As with alot of people, my wife and I have had a rough couple of years financially to say the least. Her parents have helped us out, but it never comes from a place of giving to help their children. It comes with, pain, suffering, and strings attached. I have succumbed to the point of I’d rather be homeless then receive their help. They think I am trying to scam them for money, so I can live for free, but what they don’t understand is before I met them I was living just fine.

My wife’s wacko family is convinced that I am trying to steal their daughter and I have her under “my spell”. Her family has referred to her as a heroin addict and I am the heroin. They refer to me – their wife’s husband - as a “cancer”, “virus”, ” fat f**k” (I am overweight I can admit), “loser”, “scum bag”, and at one point her father has called me a “mother f*****g lying crook thief”. THIS COMES FROM A 70 YEAR OLD MAN!!!

These people do everything in their power to make out marriage and love for each other so filled with negative disgusting sludge, I am at a loss for words These people are full of pure hatred and evil, I do not claim that I am Mr-never-do-anything-wrong. I am guilty of making some band decisions, and I have apologized for them.

These sick people make things up and demand apologies. They say the most despicable things not only to their daughter’s husband but to their own daughter. I am so disturbed by these people I went through my wedding pictures on my computer and removed them from the pictures. The mere sight, sound, thought gives me the chills and creeps.

I am sure everyone has run into someone before where you just feel pure evil seeping from them and that is what I feel on a daily basis with them. I believe that my wife deep down knows how horrible they are but holds on to the hope that they will change. Where these people come from and the hatred they carry is not reversible in my opinion, but yet I am respectful when I am forced to see them and I am the fool who gives in. I have been trying to set a barrier around myself so they cannot continue to effect me in the negative way they have.

If you continue to read below [editor's note: next several chapters], I am going to include some emails they have been written to my wife between each other and to me. I know people have crappy in laws, but I want to show that when it comes to evil, disgusting, pathetic in laws and their immediate family, I win and it’s not a “good win”.

Oh, why do I dislike them? Let me tell the ways.

I have been married to my DH for almost 10 years now.  I have disliked his family from the moment we returned from our honeymoon.  We decided to elope and have a reception later, as we were a bit older than the usual crowd that marries in their early 20’s.  My DH was 26 and I was 28.  His MIL decided that she wanted input on the reception we were throwing.  We were paying for the event ourselves and did not ask for any money from my DH’s parents.

She was so upset that he was following the list I had given him to use at the store (we had worked out what we wanted the night before in the way of food and decorations) that she actually left him at the store.  She stormed off and drove away because he wasn’t “taking her advice” and he was being an “idiot.” 

He called me and told me what was going on and I was really surprised because she seemed like such a nice person.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  She dominated the party and at that moment I realized she would never approve of me as a wife, and she would never treat him like an adult.

This situation worsened over the years.  My MIL tried to take over my kitchen and teach me how her “boys” liked their fruit cut and their stew made.  I never cooked for them again at my house.  We always go out to eat now. 

And when my child was born, she started trying to tell me how to be a parent.  That is when I put my foot down and told her to just leave me alone. 

But the worse offenses actually come from my FIL.  He throws tantrums and refuses to speak to us for days.  He hangs up the phone if the conversation isn’t going the way he planned and he is extremely selfish and spoiled. 

My FIL came down a few weeks ago and absolutely devastated my DH.  He visited for a few minutes and then left after promising to hang out for a few days more.    Realize, we live several states away so it wasn’t like my DH could just hop in a car and go see him.  My FIL didn’t even give a reason as to why he left so suddenly and when we asked that he give us a call that night, we heard nothing.  We assume he made it okay because we haven’t been called about a funeral, but he still hasn’t called us.

Oh, that is another thing… they don’t call us and tell us when people die or when wedding are occurring, because “You just live too far away.”  That is our punishment for moving out of state.  They are extremely vindictive.

I have decided that I am no longer going to send them photos of our child via email or call or keep in contact with them at all.  You cannot reward bad behavior.  It is all going to fall on my DH’s shoulder.  We will visit for Christmas and Easter.  Beyond that, I don’t think we will have further contact.

They have completely pushed me to my breaking point.  I have never dealt with such selfish or mean people in my life.

Topic of Concern (*air quotes*)

I need to vent!

I’ve been married to my DH for almost 15 years.  We have 2 great (I mean GREAT) kids – boy 11 and girl 7.  I stay at home and enjoy teaching my kids to become kind, upstanding, resourceful, respectable, independent future adults. 

My MIL, FIL, and 2 SILs and their 2 husbands seem like upstanding, loving, concerned people on the surface.  I think it’s a show.  They talk about each other behind each other’s backs under the guise that they’re “concerned” about whomever is the topic of the moment. 

I’m often told how I’m equal to the other children in the family and my opinions matter but when I give my 2 cents, unless it’s what they want to hear, I’m punished for it and so is DH.

Years ago, one SIL (age 22) was contemplating adopting a 6 year old child currently in foster care and with many emotional issues.  MIL and FIL made this a topic of choice whenever SIL wasn’t around – much concern, too young, not experienced with how to help an emotionally scarred child, etc… much wringing of hands as to what to do.  They seemed genuinely distressed and worried for her. 

I have experience with adoption of an emotionally scarred 6 year old child (my own younger brother).  I grew up watching my two very well educated, financially sound, well meaning, experienced parents try to help my brother grow up as well adjusted as possible given that his first 6 years of life were hell.  It was a very large strain on their marriage and our life as a family.  I thought this information might be helpful to SIL, especially since she would be a single mom, young and fresh out of college with very little real life experience or a bank account (for therapy) to draw on.  I relayed some of the trying moments and years my parents faced with my brother.  I thought my sharing my experience would be appreciated by FIL and MIL, if no-one else.  Dumb move on my part.  She didn’t want to hear it.  It “upset her” that I would talk to her like that.  She stopped speaking to me and ranted at MIL, FIL and DH about how “hurt” she felt.  MIL, FIL, and SIL2 declared me “insensitive.”  DH supported me but took lumps for it.  To this day, if I say anything they don’t want to hear, they remind him of my “insensitivity.”

Well, SIL did adopt this child (Nephew1).  Then, she married a BIL1 who really didn’t want to raise Nephew1.  Nephew1 has lived in group homes the last 8 years (he’s 20 now) under state care on the other side of the country from SIL and BIL and their since born children.  FIL and MIL raise this as a “topic of concern” when SIL and BIL are not around.  I say as little as possible.  They want to know why I’m so distant. “Why doesn’t she like us?” they ask.

At last year’s New Year’s Dinner, SIL and BIL skipped the family dinner and went to a hotel to celebrate their anniversary.  MIL asked one of their children to call them to ask permission for something.  SIL yelled at MIL over the phone for interrupting her and her husband while they were having sex.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, FIL thought it appropriate to  relay the whole story to the rest of the family (me, DH, SIL and her husband AND SOME GRANDKIDS!).  Remember, this is FIL’s daughter he’s talking about!  What topic would he be willing to raise about a lowly daughter-in-law?!  I did not open my big mouth.  They asked DH why I was so quiet and not willing to engage with them. They asked if I was depressed.  Suggested I talk to someone.

When SIL2 and BIL2 aren’t around the “Topic of Concern” is BIL2’s temper.  They see MIL and FIL the most often and I think he just has to let off steam at times. For the most part, they agree wholeheartedly with MIL and FIL’s opinions on “Topics of Concern.”  It’s a little sickening.  Again, I try to say as little as possible. 

MIL, FIL, SIL and SIL2 repeatedly, together and separate, ask DH what my problem is.  They want to know why I don’t “open up” to them about the intricacies of my life. I’m just guessing, but I’m pretty sure when I’m not around, this a “Topic of Concern.” 

I try to chuckle about it sometimes but it affects DH.  This is his family – the people he knew his whole life.  He’s the oldest.  He wants his parents to be pleased with him.  He can’t win because I can’t win with them.  He’s a really good guy.  He wants to “do the right thing” but what is that in this situation?

Just last night, SIL2 told him over the phone that he doesn’t appreciate their parents enough.  She essentially said I have influenced him in his negative thoughts about MIL and FIL as grandparents (they’re very hands off and neither DH or I appreciate driving many hours to visit them only to have them say they’re off to a party or lecture or one of the other countless “adults only” events they go to).  We’re both fed up with MIL and FIL promising outings to the kids only for them to bow out and then we “make it up” to the kids with our own outing.  I do not say this to MIL, FIL, SIL or SIL2.  I keep my mouth shut.

Thank God we only see these people 3-4 times a year.   DH was upset after his SIL2 told him he’s too hard on MIL and FIL.  Apparently, I’ve been insensitive again.  I asked how.  I don’t “open to them.” They “feel” I’m distanced.  DH wants me to fix this.  Any advice?