Eau de MIL

My MIL has a “signature scent”. She has worn the same perfume for a couple of decades at least. In small amounts it might not bother me, but she has to bathe in it. Since she has worn it for so long, she can’t really smell it anymore, so she puts it on until she can. Never mind that they can smell her three blocks away and everyone’s eyes are watering.

After we moved to a different city and got her smell out of our system, it started giving DH and me headaches when we were around her. We tried a couple of different approaches to get her to cut back, but all ended with her overreacting. At one point I think I was accused of faking a migraine in order to make her feel bad. Thankfully DH knows better.

Being the wonderful champion of mine that he is, he turned it on her. He told her that even though I don’t play games like that he knows she does, and he was getting the feeling that she wore extra perfume to make me sick, and that she would not be walking into our home covered in perfume again. He followed up with FIL to drive the point home, and she hasn’t worn perfume around us again. Hooray for small victories!

But Not Thin-Skinned

Dear MIL,

My weight is not a personal assault on your lifestyle. I eat healthy, exercise, and am a thin woman. I know your were disappointed that I didn’t balloon up like you did after having children, but I will not gain weight just to make you feel better about yourself, like I suspect FIL does. Side comments about skinny people having a weaker immune system every time I sneeze is not going to make me abandon my steamed veggies for that fried greasy whatever that is on your plate.

Signed,

Thin, But Not Thin-Skinned

The MIL of the MIL

My MIL and her MIL do not get along, which I must admit, I get a kick out of. The GMIL adores me. This year my FIL wanted to have his family over for New Years Day. My MIL did not like this idea, so she threw a passive aggressive fit. She refused to make any food, or even clean the house. In fact, she made it very clear that she would not be doing anything that involved her getting out of bed before the party and anything but sitting on the couch watching football on the day of the party.

My SIL and I (neither of whom are her daughters) cleaned all of the rooms involved in the party. I cooked a few things for everyone to eat and called the aunts to make sure they were covering the rest of the food and drinks. MIL was not aware of what we were doing because she did not emerge from her bedroom until mere minutes before the guests arrived. She was clearly disappointed that we had pulled the party together. I know she was trying to get it canceled. I don’t think I have ever seen a woman of her age sulk the way she did that day.

The best part is that everyone had a great time. Everyone except her, that is. And in case you are thinking she got us to clean her house for her, we didn’t lift a finger after the party, and the house was a much bigger mess then. The really sad part is, we would have gladly helped her before and after the party if she hadn’t been such a brat about the whole thing.

BYOBed

My IL’s live in a house that’s way beyond their means, but they would rather keep up appearances than have a retirement account which, until they need to go into a home, is really not my problem.

They have 3 spare bedrooms for guests. In theory, this is nice because BIL and his wife can stay at the house while our family of 4 also stays there at times such as Christmas. However, they only have two beds. They have flat panel televisions in rooms they never go in, but somehow have never gotten around to having a bed for their grandchildren. Fine, we can fit our queen sized air mattress into our already full trunk so that we can all be together for the holidays.

Then I find out that although they have a queen-sized bed in their guest room, they only have one set of sheets and would I mind bringing sheets as well? Before the car was fully packed we were bringing not only our own bed and sheets, but also the pillows, blanket, and a comforter so the kids would not freeze to death in the house my MIL insists on keeping 62 degrees year round. Just one more way the MIL makes me fell welcomed in her home.

Feed the Children

We went to visit our IL’s. They offered to watch the children while we went out to dinner and a movie. When we got home and were putting our children to bed, our daughter looks at us and says, “We didn’t eat dinner.”

“What?” I replied in horror, wondering how someone could forget to feed their grandchildren?

“Well, they weren’t hungry for dinner so they didn’t make any for us either

“WHAT?” That is me again, still stunned, and trying to grasp the concept of not feeding children in your care.

“I just got some chips and some crackers from the pantry and I helped younger brother get some snacks out of there too.”

At this point I am so angry that I have lost all ability to form full sentences. Thankfully DH was there and his words were flowing just fine. Their defense was that they had eaten a big lunch and weren’t really hungry, and they let the kids snack on chips and pretzels and cookies so they weren’t hungry either. Oh, and they had given our son a big cup of chocolate milk. Yeah that makes it all better. How did these people manage to raise two children? And do they really expect us to be comfortable with them watching the children?

Busy-Body Bottom-Liner

We are planning our wedding, which is in 7 months.  When we first got engaged, MIL-to-be (FIL not on the scene, MIL has a new partner) didn’t offer any financial help – that’s fine, we don’t expect any.  But as we started to budget, DH asked her over lunch if she would like to contribute in any way.  She asked to look at our budget, and complained, “Why are you getting a new suit for your wedding?!  You should just hire one!  What a waste of money!”.  She then took the budget home, and got on the phone to EVERY one of his family members, and took them through it, item by item, without our permission, and basically just complained about how much we are spending (total wedding LESS than $35k).

Might I add that she has mentioned to us that she is getting TWO new outfits MADE for her to wear to our wedding…  And she thinks the Groom shouldn’t buy a new suit?!

The Dirty Shoe is On The Other Foot

My MIL has been driving me crazy since I first married her son almost 10 years ago. We were very young and had a baby right away. I was still in college and can admit now that I was not the best housekeeper, but under the circumstances I think I did a pretty good job.

One day her and her now ex-husband (the man finally got away!) came to see us and my daughter. I had been especially diligent in my cleaning knowing that she was coming over and when she walked through the kitchen she wiped her finger along the counter to check for dirt. I was appalled and lost tons of respect for her at that very moment.

Fast forward to after her husband leaves her she moves to the same city which my husband and I now live in. She refuses to work and really would rather have somebody do everything for her.  She has turned into quite a recluse and rarely does any cleaning to her little 1 bedroom apartment. 

She was recently in the hospital for a “fall” and the husband and I went to her apartment to clean the MOLD OFF THE DISHES in her kitchen. My dishes may lay in the sink overnight, but at least they don’t lay there long enough to grow mold! I wonder who the “dirty” one is now?

The Only Person That Grossed Me Out Was Her

While at a mall with my MIL, we walked passed a group of kids that had deformities. One boy had something wrong with his eye that made it look like it was bulging out. He was clearly self-conscious by the way he walked with his head down and his hand trying to cover his face. I noticed the boy but kept on walking. My MIL who was walking in front of me turned back to me and made this horrible grossed out groaning sound. I know that boy heard it. She was loud.

I was mortified for that boy and for myself because it looked as if I had chosen to be around a person so cruel. She looked at me after her hideous groan as if I needed to validate it. I ignored her and started up a conversation with my husband. I really hope none of her grandchildren have any physical deformities. It’s clear she wouldn’t be able to handle it or love them the way a grandchild should be loved.

Three and a Half is More than a Crowd

My husband’s cousin and her 3-year-old daughter crashed our honeymoon.  His Aunt has a gorgeous house in San Francisco and a stunning lodge in the mountains between Napa and Sonoma Valleys.  We were (and are!) poor newly weds and couldn’t afford to stay in hotels on our trip, but really wanted to go to San Francisco wine country. 

His Aunt was going to be on a European cruise at the and offered up both of her gorgeous homes for us to stay in on our honeymoon.  We couldn’t be more excited.  What I didn’t know was my husband’s Cousin and her daughter lived with the Aunt.  I was told that The Cousin would pick us up from the airport in San Fran, take us to the house and show us the alarms, the car, etc.  She would then go up to the lodge while we enjoyed the city.

Later in the week, we would drive up to the lodge and she would show us around, then head to the city for the rest of the week.  We were very enthusiastic about this arrangement and agreed right  away. Big mistake.

The Cousin and 3-year-old daughter picked us up from the airport like a tornado and proceeded to spend every day of our honeymoon with us! I didn’t know what to do. I had just married this man and didn’t want to start any family battles.  Plus, we are both too nice to say anything.  It wasn’t the 3-year-old’s fault and I didn’t want to be mean or rude.  The only day of freedom we had involved sneaking out of the lodge at 3am to head down to a reserved hot air balloon ride over Napa. We did manage to have a nice relaxed lunch to get a little tipsy touring a few of the wineries.  It wasn’t until we got back to the lodge that night that The Cousin told us she was very disappointed we didn’t wake her and her daughter up to come with us. It was horrible.

In spite of it all, we were able to have a few moments of fun togetherness.  I think the whole experience made us the strong, loving couple we are today.  Also, a few years ago we went to Costa Rica on OUR OWN and had a fabulous second honeymoon.

Setting the Tone

When my soon-to-be husband got ready to ask me to marry him, he took me to visit his mother. She is divorced from his father and lives several states away, so I had never met her, but he – quite properly, IMO – didn’t want to become engaged until after we had met.

So we go down. And one of the first things she does is take her son aside and tell him that our “public displays off affection” were upsetting her live-ion boyfriend. The PDA? I had put my feet in his lap because I was tired and the sofa was too small for both of us to lay down on it. Now, I could understand his (& probably her) disapproval if a) they weren’t living together & b) she hadn’t put us IN THE SAME ROOM! No, we were NOT sleeping together!!

So, we had officially met. And so, at the very first opportunity we had to get away from the house, my boyfriend proposed. When we returned to the house, it turned out that my future MIL had managed to bump her fender while driving the car. It was this horribly traumatic incident, it seems, that made her flap her hands & rush out of the room saying “I can’t deal with this right now!” when my fiance informed her we had gotten engaged.

Things came to a head when the wedding approached. She told us she was coming, but, somehow, managed to fall off her bicycle (which I didn’t know she had) and hurt her foot. She had a blood clot, so she couldn’t come to the wedding.

As you can imagine, my fiance was crushed, especially when he confessed to me that his mother had asked him if he was sure that I wasn’t “one of those JAPS who never get a job.” Yes, she is Catholic, and I am Jewish.

My husband was horrified to find that his mother had any bigotry in her at all. But it gets better! The real punchline? Her ex-husband, my husband’s father, to whom she had been married for about 17 years, is Jewish. No one in his family could even be remotely described as a “JAP”; this woman wouldn’t know a JAP if one walked up and slapped her – and for hurting my husband so much, I really felt like doing it!!