Topic of Concern (*air quotes*)

I need to vent!

I’ve been married to my DH for almost 15 years.  We have 2 great (I mean GREAT) kids – boy 11 and girl 7.  I stay at home and enjoy teaching my kids to become kind, upstanding, resourceful, respectable, independent future adults. 

My MIL, FIL, and 2 SILs and their 2 husbands seem like upstanding, loving, concerned people on the surface.  I think it’s a show.  They talk about each other behind each other’s backs under the guise that they’re “concerned” about whomever is the topic of the moment. 

I’m often told how I’m equal to the other children in the family and my opinions matter but when I give my 2 cents, unless it’s what they want to hear, I’m punished for it and so is DH.

Years ago, one SIL (age 22) was contemplating adopting a 6 year old child currently in foster care and with many emotional issues.  MIL and FIL made this a topic of choice whenever SIL wasn’t around – much concern, too young, not experienced with how to help an emotionally scarred child, etc… much wringing of hands as to what to do.  They seemed genuinely distressed and worried for her. 

I have experience with adoption of an emotionally scarred 6 year old child (my own younger brother).  I grew up watching my two very well educated, financially sound, well meaning, experienced parents try to help my brother grow up as well adjusted as possible given that his first 6 years of life were hell.  It was a very large strain on their marriage and our life as a family.  I thought this information might be helpful to SIL, especially since she would be a single mom, young and fresh out of college with very little real life experience or a bank account (for therapy) to draw on.  I relayed some of the trying moments and years my parents faced with my brother.  I thought my sharing my experience would be appreciated by FIL and MIL, if no-one else.  Dumb move on my part.  She didn’t want to hear it.  It “upset her” that I would talk to her like that.  She stopped speaking to me and ranted at MIL, FIL and DH about how “hurt” she felt.  MIL, FIL, and SIL2 declared me “insensitive.”  DH supported me but took lumps for it.  To this day, if I say anything they don’t want to hear, they remind him of my “insensitivity.”

Well, SIL did adopt this child (Nephew1).  Then, she married a BIL1 who really didn’t want to raise Nephew1.  Nephew1 has lived in group homes the last 8 years (he’s 20 now) under state care on the other side of the country from SIL and BIL and their since born children.  FIL and MIL raise this as a “topic of concern” when SIL and BIL are not around.  I say as little as possible.  They want to know why I’m so distant. “Why doesn’t she like us?” they ask.

At last year’s New Year’s Dinner, SIL and BIL skipped the family dinner and went to a hotel to celebrate their anniversary.  MIL asked one of their children to call them to ask permission for something.  SIL yelled at MIL over the phone for interrupting her and her husband while they were having sex.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, FIL thought it appropriate to  relay the whole story to the rest of the family (me, DH, SIL and her husband AND SOME GRANDKIDS!).  Remember, this is FIL’s daughter he’s talking about!  What topic would he be willing to raise about a lowly daughter-in-law?!  I did not open my big mouth.  They asked DH why I was so quiet and not willing to engage with them. They asked if I was depressed.  Suggested I talk to someone.

When SIL2 and BIL2 aren’t around the “Topic of Concern” is BIL2’s temper.  They see MIL and FIL the most often and I think he just has to let off steam at times. For the most part, they agree wholeheartedly with MIL and FIL’s opinions on “Topics of Concern.”  It’s a little sickening.  Again, I try to say as little as possible. 

MIL, FIL, SIL and SIL2 repeatedly, together and separate, ask DH what my problem is.  They want to know why I don’t “open up” to them about the intricacies of my life. I’m just guessing, but I’m pretty sure when I’m not around, this a “Topic of Concern.” 

I try to chuckle about it sometimes but it affects DH.  This is his family – the people he knew his whole life.  He’s the oldest.  He wants his parents to be pleased with him.  He can’t win because I can’t win with them.  He’s a really good guy.  He wants to “do the right thing” but what is that in this situation?

Just last night, SIL2 told him over the phone that he doesn’t appreciate their parents enough.  She essentially said I have influenced him in his negative thoughts about MIL and FIL as grandparents (they’re very hands off and neither DH or I appreciate driving many hours to visit them only to have them say they’re off to a party or lecture or one of the other countless “adults only” events they go to).  We’re both fed up with MIL and FIL promising outings to the kids only for them to bow out and then we “make it up” to the kids with our own outing.  I do not say this to MIL, FIL, SIL or SIL2.  I keep my mouth shut.

Thank God we only see these people 3-4 times a year.   DH was upset after his SIL2 told him he’s too hard on MIL and FIL.  Apparently, I’ve been insensitive again.  I asked how.  I don’t “open to them.” They “feel” I’m distanced.  DH wants me to fix this.  Any advice?

Prepubescent SIL

I have six months old twins. My parents live half an hour away and my In-Laws live fifteen minutes away. I have an eight year old SIL who is obnoxious, rude, and an all-around-brat. She feels like she can yell at my babies when they spit their binky’s out or when they are crying too loud for her to hear her computer game. And no one says a thing! Her parents will sit right there and let her do it, and I don’t feel like I can yell at her because she’s not my child and I wouldn’t be respecting them if I did.

I let my boys stay over at my parents’ house often and stay nights sometimes too. They are very comfortable with them and I have two older sisters that still live at home to help them out if they need anything. My husband’s parents ALWAYS want to watch them and I don’t want them to since it causes problems between my husband and I when I tell him that I just don’t trust them with the babies or that they aren’t comfortable enough with them yet, or heaven forbid I say anything about is “angel sweet” sister, and how if his parents can’t watch their own eight year old, how am i supposed to trust them with my two six month olds??!!!!

Paybacks

It’s been relatively quiet here on the homefront since my inlaws stopped talking to me in Aug 08. My husband’s maternal grandmother passed away in October 07. In her will she allotted $5,000 to hubby AND me, $3,000 for my husband’s daughter and my son, but not my daughter (which I completely understand). MIL is the executrix to the will.

In November 2007, we were having some $$ problems and FIL wrote my hubby a cheque for $5,000, and said “it’s a gift. We have given your brother so much, this is the least we can do for you.” We never asked them for a penny!

So now the probate is done, and we get an email from MIL saying that we HAVE TO sign over the money we inherited to them to pay back FIL!  We were going to take the money and put $3,000 away for my daughter and split the extra $2,000 into education funds for our 3 children.

I knew they were petty and immature, but this takes the cake!

Just a Jigger

My 7 month old daughter is teething big time. We do what we can to make her comfortable: teethers, cold wash rags, maybe even a bit of tylenol at night to help her sleep, but we try not to keep her doped up.

MIL was over to see the baby, and she asks, “Can’t you give her anything for that teething?” in a rather accusatory tone.

“We have some cold teethers…” I answered and started for the fridge.

“That’s not going to work. Give her some schnapps.”

“Um, we don’t have any.”

“Then you need to get some!”

I think we’ll stick to teethers and tylenol, but I didn’t bother telling her that.

WIPING AWAY THE COBWEBS

It’s me again, The Sane In-Law, asking for you to come forth with your in-law stories. I know you have them since there are plenty of hits here coming via such serch terms, “My MIL drives me crazy,” “My SIL is a bitch,” “My in-laws are sucking the life out of me,” (I paraphrase).

This poor little blog needs a little dusting. While at the beginning, it was one of the rising stars under wordpress…this blog? She now be fading away like those nasty plastic flowers you MIL glued to the TP cozy in the guest bathroom.

Take it as a challenge. Submit that story you just have to get off your chest about your MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, etc. Don’t have one, then send out a call on your blogs to your readers. Send the stories to inlawssuck@yahoo.com. They’ll be published anonymously UNLESS you want me to give you (or if you have a blog) credit. Something new I’m going to try out.