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…Then Comes Daughter In-Law Pushing a Baby Carriage…

Then we got pregnant.  The advice was out of control.  Do this, don’t do this.  Don’t clean the baby for a month, don’t let anyone hold the baby for a month, don’t microwave the breast milk, don’t vaccinate the baby, etc. etc. etc.  I tried to be diplomatic and tell her that I didn’t want to talk about things but she just didn’t seem to listen or to care.  I’d had it at 8 months and so I asked her to tone down the advice a little bit.  Well she did not take kindly to this and told me that I was a waste of her time, that I was zero to her, that she would rather have a relationship with a stranger, that I didn’t know anything about babies, that I had to be told what to do, and that I had a lot of work to do to rebuild our relationship.  When I said that perhaps she had misunderstood what I was saying, that it wasn’t that I didn’t want her advice but I just needed a break from it, she accused me of being a racist as English is her second language.  During her entire rant of 2 hours she made me stand in the kitchen (at 8 months pregnant) after I had driven a moving truck 3 hours to move closer to them (and left my job, my friends, my doctor, etc.).  Don’t ask why, I obviously was crazy. 

Then the baby was coming.  I had to be induced and the night before the baby was to arrive we went out to dinner with my MIL and FIL.  They were aware of the fact that I was to give birth the next day and yet they did not even wish me luck. 

Then I gave birth.  My MIL and FIL came to the hospital to visit us and did not even ask how I was doing (yes, after I had just given birth).  And my MIL even refused to hold the baby.  Since then we have probably seen them about 10 times and every time she has to tell me how she is a baby expert (mind you, she only has two kids like everyone else) and that I am doing everything wrong.  When our son was 3 weeks old she came over, took him into his room, closed the door, and let him cry for 2 hours — because he needed to exercise his lungs.  Some expert she is. 

Where is my husband in all of this?  He has grown up with this woman and is so bamboozled by her that he thinks that he deserves for her to treat him this way and that we have to give our parents some leeway.  This is more than leeway.  I don’t really know what to do about it.  On the one hand I would rather not ever see her again but that’s not really fair to my husband or my son.  On the other hand, I don’t think it’s really fair for me to have to deal with her when she has been so awful to me and I definitely do not want my son to think it’s okay for someone to treat me this way.  It’s a lose-lose situation for me whichever way I look at it.   To say that it has caused stress in my marriage is an understatement. 

And the worst part is…if you met her, you would probably love her. 

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15 responses »

  1. I think that I would turn a deaf ear to all the “advice” and try very hard not to let her be alone with the baby until she can convince you (not likely) that she will do things your way, not her way.

    Tough situation though. How about planned public outings, like to the zoo or park. Sometimes a public place will encourage people like that to tone it down.

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  2. Two things:
    1. Your husband has to stand up for you. Period. His family is now you and baby. Yes he will always love them, but he is a man with his own family now. It is his place to lay down the law with them, and until he does that, nothing will change.
    2. Are you sure we don’t have the same MIL? everyone who meets her LOVES her, but my gosh, what a soulless person she can be! She can charm you and like you until you disagree with her, then all bets are off. I have heard the “you need to work really hard to rebuild your relationship” speech as well. Guess what, MIL…relationships are 2 way streets and it will never be your way or the highway.

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  3. I got the book “The Mom Factor” for my DH. It really helped him.

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  4. I think my MIL may be related to yours. My husband got the same stranger speech. Almost to the letter.

    I blame self-centerness.

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  5. my mom told me that i should let my baby cry to have strong lungs, but not two hours long! i love the last part.. when you meet my MIL, you’d probably, love her too..

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  6. Oh, man. I feel for you. My MIL is another one of those that everyone meets and LOVES. Seriously, my friends meet her, and they think I’m crazy because they can’t imagine this funny, sweet lady being such an insane monster. But rest assured. She is quite capable of letting the weird jealousy come out when she’s around just me.

    Like the time when she came to visit us, and took my husband away on a weekend trip to a local honeymoon destination, and specifically excluded me from the trip. Nice.

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  7. ok, I am still stuck on not washing the baby for a month??!!!

    you have a piece of work on your hands, you have my full sympathy!
    When my son was born, I begged my husband not to call them until AFTER the baby was born…I lost

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  8. Yes, yes, yes! Everyone else usually does love the MIL.. you nailed it. And dosen’t is just drive you NUTZ!!! I rember ignorining advice from all sorts of people when my sons were born. I am thankfull my MIL was not a bad as yours. She stayed quiet most of the time, only talking to complain or say something negative. “You mean zero to her”… I’m sure that hurt, and for her to say that when you are pregnent.. she must have some issues of her own. I ignore my MIL. A lot. Sometimes I pretend I’m just too busy doing things to hear her complain. Trapped in the kitchen?? I’ve excused myself to the bathroom and then relaxed in bed for hours just to hide from the MIL… you can do it too!! And yes, I am actually suggesting hiding. Would this work for you? I am sorry you ended up moving closer. There has got to be some positive things to come from this. God bless you Girl. You can get through this. Your new baby will help you.. you may not have time to worry about her crap… just focus on your new baby!

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  9. I feel your pain! My MIL appears to be a normal, well-adjusted and even fun person to the rest of the world and a complete “female dog” to me.

    I have to say that I agree with Katrina – your husband has to start standing up for you. You and your new baby are his family. He has a family of origin who need to be considered, but he ultimately needs to do what is best for his new family. And that includes telling the family of origin to back off.

    Only recently did my husband start to understand this (we’ve been married for 5 years) and start to stand up for me. It has completely changed our relationship! I used to feel like everyone was against me (MIL, FIL and hubby when I would look to him for help). It was a miserable place to be without any friends or allies. But now that hubby has started to put the emphasis on our family instead of “his” it has made a HUGE difference.

    I wish the best for you. I know what a horrible place you are in and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better for you! Good luck and try to remember that she did at least one thing right in creating her son.

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  10. Oh, I totally know where you are coming from. I’m also torn as to what to do about my in-laws, and it definitely creates tension in the marriage! I have no advice, but just know that you are not alone!

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  11. i so know what you mean my mother in law can be pure vile but she is very carefull not to do it in front of my husband, and he could never see what she was doing until a long time family friend of his that was at alot of the events that we all frequented started catching the things she was saying and repeating them to my husband after that he made a very diligant effort to catch her at it to and put a stop to it anytime he caught it

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  12. I really really hope my kids- particularly the boys NEVER get married. I hate women. I so much will prefer a son-in-law over a dil. Women are so evil and controlling. I don’t fear getting a sil- I’ll love him to death. I DO NOT want dils!

    My kids are all under 7, but I already dread this. What you women do not understand is that you will never ever ever love my child as much as I do. I will lay down my life in a heartbeat form my sons! You women will never do that. How many of you send your men off to Iraq to die while you sit on your asses. You force your men to do all the work. If there is something dangerous to be done- you send the men to do it. I send myself, never would I send my son because i rather be the one dead or injured or in pain – not him. So you will never love a man and take care of him like his parents will.

    Women abuse and control men and try to push them away from their families. It may not be physical abuse- but constant nagging is abuse.

    Stop being control freaks and realize that your husbands have another family that is not YOU!

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    • Totally. I am sickened by my sons wife and her insane pretense partnership with him. Weird that we gave him a vehicle so that he can go to work and to school, but instead she has to have it with her so he had to skateboard to school. He injured himself during this fiasco. She didnt even get a clue cause it was still only about her. She wouldnt work even part time to help him keep the car he was purchasing when they met. I should never ever have tried to help by giving him a car after that.. She still wont work even part-time, even though they cant keep the phone bill paid. He is diabetic and had an insulin pump until she convinced him that it was too expensive. Back on the 3-4 time a day insulin injection for him. Gets better. Now she is pregnant and expects ME to be happy. He loves her, but she does not love nor care for him. I am so heartbroken. I loved my boys and was a single working mom when they were little. I cant imagine any women who wont uphold her man. Oh yeah, he dropped out of college since she is now pregnant. Nagged for a baby like she nagged for him to stop his insulin pump. She will nag them both right onto welfare. Stupid is as stupid does.

      Reply
  13. If my husband wouldn’t man up and tell his mom to treat you with respect when she is in your home, I would tell her she isn’t welcome in my home. Your husband is welcome to take your son to visit them because you don’t want to cut off those relationships but that you aren’t willing to be subjected to her tyrannical behavior and that you will be more than happy to mend fences when she decides to act like a grown up.

    And Jen from above? I hope your sons never get married either because you will be a nightmare of a motherinlaw. Asking for your husband to not allow his mother to be disrespectful to his wife is not being a control freak. Most wives embrace their husband’s family (I am closer to my in laws than my own family) but I wouldn’t allow my blood relatives to treat me that way and I won’t allow my in laws to treat me that way.

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  14. I don’t get how the in-laws can be so disrespectful and unhappy all the time. And SMOTHERING!!! My MIL called multiple times while I was in the hospital GIVING BIRTH because they needed detailed directions to the hospital. When my husband said to use her car’s navigation system she got angry that he didn’t have time for his mother. And when she got there she was nagging the nurses about how to wash my baby and was telling everyone what to do with him and saying how the baby looked like my husband’s twin and didn’t even acknowledge that I was in the room. Oh, except that later that night when they were leaving they wanted to be sure that we were taking the baby to visit them that weekend because it would be “so much easier on everyone” for us to pack up our 4 day old baby and all his gear to go see them rather than them having to make another hour drive back to our house to see him.

    Reply

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