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Aggressive Passive-Agressive

I met my husband going to church, and we became best friends and spent a lot of time together.  His parents didn’t like me, they couldn’t understand what I could want with their son who was 3 years younger than I was at the time.  Well, the truth was, at the time my husband was dealing with a lot of issues and since his family had moved around a lot he didn’t have a lot of friends, so he really enjoyed talking to me, and I felt like I was helping him and I enjoyed his friendship also.  His dad thought I had some secret agenda and his mom thought I was taking advantage of their little boy.  Well his parents didn’t even know what he was going through, and when he tried to tell them they just ignored him and said it was probably a phase. 

A few months later they said he should move out of the house, and gain some independence.  Even though he was paying for all of his food, clothes, school, books, and other items, his older sister was allowed to mooch off of them, and live there while not having a job or going to college.  When he was 19, and had gotten over his problems, we both started liking each other as more than friends.  When we started dating I felt like it was “meant to be.”.  A few months later we had gotten engaged, and then married. It was then that all the problems with the in-laws started. 

We had a small wedding at my parents house.  Only a few family members from both sides came.  Our wedding present from the MIL and FIL was a photo album from Rite Aid, a store where my MIL worked and where she got a discount. A month later we had our wedding reception so our friends and family could all celebrate with us.  My husband’s parents and brother and sisters decided not to come, all because they said people were going to talk about them (an idea that was completely out of left field).  Next, we were invited to the in-laws house for Thanksgiving, my husbands father, brother and oldest sister would not even come out of their rooms to say hello to us.  Two weeks before Christmas we invited my husband’s family to spend the holiday at my family’s house and they had accepted.  Christmas day came and they called a few hours before saying they had made plans to go to church with my husband’s brother, so they would not be coming.  His mom and sister decided out of the kindness of their heart to stop by for 5 minutes and drop our gifts off.  They got my husband a razor, and Antonio Banderas cologne from Rite Aid.  I got some kind of pancake mix and flavored syrup from Rite Aid as well.  After that we didn’t have much contact with his family. 

Around our 1 year anniversary my husband’s brother had dropped by my work and said he wanted me to tell my husband that his mother was in the hospital somewhere.  I called my husband and right after we got off work he called his sister to find out where his mom was.  Turns out that his mom had felt like she was going to commit suicide so she committed herself into a psych ward.  When we visited her, my husband’s dad wouldn’t even say “Hello” to him.  She ended up asking my husband to come to a counseling session later on, he said he wanted me to come for support.  We went and were basically ambushed, and told by her counselor that we were the reason why my MIL was in there.  My MIL said she was really sad that she didn’t get to be around her son, and felt like it was my fault.  When we both told her about how we had tried to invite them to things and they ignored us or didn’t come it had hurt us a lot.  She then told me that it wasn’t her fault and I should stop blaming her for everything.  (Something I had never done.)  Well a lot more was said, and I ended up walking out, it was driving me crazy that she was blaming us for her suicide attempt.  Oh yeah, and it was on the same day as our 1 year anniversary.  So I felt like crap.  After that she told her family that I had attacked her during her counseling session, and that I went off on her.  I had never even raised my voice to her that day.

Months later she had started calling my husband and asking how he was doing, never bothering to ask about me.  And in January they moved almost across the country from California to Tennessee.  (We found out weeks before they were moving from my parents, who had heard it from a person who worked with my FIL)  My husband’s mom only told him about a week before they were moving. Thanks for the notice…

Even after they moved she would only call and ask about my husband, until about a month ago when she found out I was pregnant.  Then all of a sudden she wanted to know how I am doing, and wanted us to come watch them renew their vows in November, and visit them.  She even said she wanted to come visit when the baby was born and stay for a while.  An idea too stressful to imagine. 

Just a few days ago my MIL wrote a letter asking my husband to call his dad and reach out to him.  Well after I wrote a 3 page letter to her explaining that we had tried to talk to the FIL and he ignored us, she got upset and said again to stop blaming her for everything.  Letters went back and forth through email between my MIL, FIL, my husband, and I.  I was told that I am a 3rd party and my FIL has no interest in hearing from me.  My MIL told my husband to start thinking for himself and wake up, as if he was brainwashed by me. 

We finally told them enough was enough and we didn’t want contact with them right now.  The FIL told my husband “fine, have a great life, I’ll be sure to tell all your family you don’t want to talk to them and that they must have done something wrong.”  and the MIL said “I am not going to change how I am so that other people can feel better about themselves, and I will not continue to be blamed for everything.”

A day later my MIL had changed her mind and was wanting to try to resolve things again. 

I can’t help feeling like the only reason she wants to resolve things is due to the fact that I am going to have her grandchild in January.  I also can’t help but feeling like I never want to have a relationship with them.  I don’t want my husband to feel bad for talking to them, but I really wish I would not have to even think about my MIL trying to come and visit when our baby is born.

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4 responses »

  1. Wow if they do not sound like my EX inlaws!!! My MIL used to do all of the same things. Heck they do not even call their grandson(my boy). I wish I had answers for you, if you do not want to talk to her, then don’t. Let your hubby talk to them, but you do not need to. As far as the grandchild, keep him at a safe distance from them.

    Reply
  2. Sounds a lot like my MIL (minus the suicide attempt), but mine does ask my husband what he would do if she was dead…to which he replies, um I’d be sad.
    The letters too! wow, I’m sorry you have to go through that, I agree with LIsa in NJ, keep the grandchild at a distance

    good luck, i’m here in spirit for support

    Reply
  3. Oh, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. How awful! I agree with Lisa: I think it’s better to keep people with whom you have a toxic relationship with at a distance. If I might offer some assvice, perhaps therapy for your husband to deal with these issies with his parents? (It helped me quite a lot in dealing with my mother).

    I am just so sory for all their fuckwittery. Thankfully they’re at a physical distance. I wish you and your husband all the very best in trying to make the best of a bad situation. Hang in there, and keep us posted.

    And congratulations on your forthcoming blessing! What a joyous event! Much happiness to you all during this special time. Enjoy it!

    Reply
  4. I understand so much how you feel when you say you wonder if she is just being nice to you b/c of the baby.

    I have a BIL who is only “decent” when he wants something done by my husband. No fellow-feeling, no caring about us–just wanting something. So selfish, so rude.

    Please know I support you in my heart because these things hurt and it’s awful. It’s not your fault at all. You’re a beautiful person and you keep being you. I am finding we can’t be responsible for in-laws attitudes. Distancing from my BIL is helping me a lot. No one needs the grief. I hope your situation has improved by now and I wish you everything wonderful.

    Reply

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