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The Crazies (Part 2)

I’ll recap, my husband and I have been married  3 years, have 2 children from previous relationships, girls, both 8. And we have a 2 yr old son. We have a great relationship. The problem is his side of the family. While we have evolved into a family of 5, still cannot seem to accept this fact.

They will not stop favoring my husband’s daughter, she is not the only grandchild, either. There are 3 from my husband’s brother.  But they constantly are buying her gifts, sending them to her house, not for any special occasion, just because she asks!  They don’t do this for any of the other kids. My husband and I have asked repeatedly for it to stop.

In January I wrote my inlaws a letter, I was fed up with watching my husband sick over the way his parents constantly disrespected him and would go against any of his wishes and spoil his daughter.  That letter didn’t go over so well! (didn’t think it would!) I of course was blamed for everything, I’m a master manipulator, trying to brainwash my husband, I need a lobotomy, all sorts of insults.  Not actually said to me, filtered thru my husband, since they won’t talk to me.

Fast forward to today. Stepdaughter has been here the whole summer. Today I let the inlaws take her for the afternoon (note they didn’t want to see my other kids). I met them at the mall, and left MIL with the simple request DO NOT BUY HER ANYTHING! She doesn’t need stuffed animals, etc…. Yes, so 5 minutes after I left, they went to build a bear and got her a bear, 3 stuffed animals, and a bunch of other stuff!  Then told her to “keep it quiet” ie. Don’t tell me.  Well, I found out, and finally told MIL off.  And she calls and leaves this insane message on my machine (and my husband’s work phone) about how we are crazy and they are grandparents and they can buy whatever they want, whenever they want. And that we blow everything out of proportion, blah blah blah.

I’m at a loss, hubby works out of town, I’m alone with the kids, and I have to deal with MIL and FIL (who hates me more than MIL).

My goodness..how blind are they to see this is not about stuffed animals, it’s about respect!

I know I’m right, in that I can ask that they respect our wishes in not buying things for our kids unless it’s a special occasion??? Right?

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7 responses »

  1. Your situation with the in-laws suck, but I would strongly suggest that if Grandma and Grandpa want to take the one, they take all three on their excursions and your husband should be the one to tell them that they are all his children and they should all be treated the same.

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  2. I agree…hubby HAS to lay down the law with them. If they can’t follow your (meaning you and hubby) rules as parents of all these kids, then they don’t see any of them. Period. Grandparents have privileges, not rights, and hubby HAS to be the one to make sure they understand that.

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  3. You ARE right. they should not be buying things for one child and not for the others and yes, you do have to deal with them but only if you want to…tell them you are no longer interested in communicating with them if this is how they choose to be. You have to choose your children first and their feelings. Shame on the grandparents! Your husband will have to deal with them his way but for you and your children (this is what I did, as I have a son for a different relationship) you will have to tell them that if they want to buy for one and not for the rest, you will have to stop the buying all together and if they go forward against your wishes, anytime they bring something for one and not for all the one thing will have to be put away until they get something for all of them. It worked for me…Good Luck.

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  4. Sell the house now and go into the witness protection program !

    I am kidding, of course. You dont have to sell the house, the Gov’t does that for you.

    Actually, I do agree with the previous posters. It is the responsibility of your Hubby to do the majority of the buffering and defending of you and the choices both of you have made. I wish i could tell you that this was going to be easy, but I can’t. No matter how tactfully Hubby handles this matter, you will still be a rude horrible person. His attitude and ideas will be the result of your constant nagging of him. you will be the reason for this horrific change in their perfect son.
    They will continue to try to drive a wedge between the two fo you, and trust me, that is what they are trying to do. They are using every means available to them, even enlisting his daughter by favorijng them over the others. If you stop this favoritism, and you must, they will tell her that they want to buy her things but you will not allow it. thus, creating a wedge between you and her, which will translate to friction between you and hubby.
    Still, there is hope. i do not know if you are a Bible reader or not, but the scripture says, “for this cause a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.” He is to be on your side over theirs, even if you are wrong. On those occasions where you might be wrong, he is deal with that in private between you and him. MIL’s and FIL’s and BIL’s are to be left out of the relationship as far as he and you are concerned. Of course, thsi is not going to happen on their part or out of any goodness in their hearts.
    My wife’s ex-hubby tried repeatedly to use their 4 children to keep contention and strife between wife and I. it did not work, but not for lack of trying.
    you and hubby must put up a unified front before them at all times. One must never say anything derogatory about the other at any time to any of the IL’s. This is just fuel for the fire. although it sounds like MIL is making up her own fuel. Open and continuous commincation about this is essential to fixing it. However, you both must take time away from it as well. Set an hour, a day, whatever you can do realistically, and refuse to discuss it for that time. Do not let it become the focal point of your relationship. If you allow it to be the focus, they have accomplished their goal.
    Everytime they see you and Hubby, they shoudl see a loving and caring couple. ths should be fairly easy as it sounds like that is what you are.
    Shower your kids with so much love that the lack of atention from any IL is not even noticed. My first (and only ever other) wife had two sisters younger than her by many years. When they had children, our children ceased to exist. Everything was about the children of the younger daughters. Every compliment, every conversation, every gift, was directed at them. My Ex got very frustrated about it. i told her that we were going to love our children enough that if no one else ever loved them in their lives, they would still never be underloved.
    Hang in there. Love all your children. Love your Hubby. Love yourself. Ignore all the rest. They are inconsequential.

    Reply
  5. I was in the same boat. The answer to that dilema is to cut them out of your life like a cancerous growth. We did that and it’s been blissful ever since : )
    Yes, YOU are right.

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  6. Yes– in-laws– it’s just a hard relationship all the way around. I have a mother-in-law who is a very fun, attentive grandmother, but refuses to respect my boundaries. She seems to feel that the more cheap crap she gives, the better. My husband’s addressed it, I’ve addressed it– and I don’t know that it will ever change. What to do? Well, after typing in anger-releasing phrases like “My mother-in-law sucks” into a search engine and visiting with others who are in the same boat, the most we can do is as Ron suggested. If it’s really terrible, then try what brightonandbear say. Yes– you are right. Holidays like Christmas and Easter, birthdays, and once or twice a year some small spontaneous gift– that’s fun for grandkids! Remember your own grand parents?

    BUT– I agree, have them take all the kids on outings. Be amicable. Keep conversations short regarding your boundaries. Don’t get angry, just be firm. Make certain you talk with your child about it in a non-derogatory way. I’ve talked with my 5-year-old about how to deal with unwanted junk. It’s hard for her, but a sane mom is more important to her childhood– she says, “Thank you!– But I’ve got a lot of toys at home. I’m a lucky girl, and I don’t really need anymore. Maybe you could give that to me as part of my Christmas present!”

    Best wishes.

    Reply
  7. omigosh. i never thought i’d chance upon your site but reading someone’s blog who’s going through what i’m going through, it makes me feel better, not alone. and your situation is so like mine, MIL and FIL (hates me more too oh wait, i meant, shows his hate more bec i’m sure they both equally hate me as much). i think it’s sad though that i keep trying to gain their approval.

    Reply

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