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Category Archives: Fathers In Laws (FIL)

Ironic or Moronic

My FIL has been reaping the rewards of Medicare benefits for the past twenty-five years, ever since he turned 65. He sports a boner for radio celebrities like Beck and Limbaugh, and constantly is quoting the sound bites of those two morons of the things they say in jest, but my FIL thinks they mean it, for example, Rush may say, “Next thing you know, they won’t make any more gas-powered cars.” This leads to ridiculous conversations with his son (my husband): “You better get yourself a new car soon because that ‘Hussein Obama’ is going to ban car companies from making anything but electric cars.”

What does that have to do with the fact he’s got Medicare?

My FIL is currently under hospice care, but his lifetime benefits for hospice care through Medicare has been exhausted so they are now paying out-of-pocket for his continued care. He actually said the reason Medicare won’t pay anymore is because of “Obama Care”…you know, because all those sorry uninsured bastards are stealing his socialized healthcare monies.

How could he not see the irony in that?

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Comedy Gold

My SIL uses FIL (her dad) truck all the time to haul her friends, family, stuff, etc. around all the time. Hey, and if he doesn’t have a problem with it, I guess neither should I, right?

One of my BILs, the SIL’s brother, is visiting from out-of-state, and it never fails that when one of the children visit, they think they are doing favors for their parents and invariably screw something up, like “update” the computer with a virus-infected program, or change the password and forget to write it down; or drag their chronically ill father to a specialist nine hours away (driving time) and return with him sick from sitting in a car that long without moving… yeah, totally awesome.

And then these two paths crossed: SIL wants to use the truck for godknowswhat this weekend, but the battery is dead. BIL says he’ll put in a new one. BIL buys a new car battery and installs it. BACKWARDS. Luckily, the vehicle has one of those switches in case some ding-dong does that and prevents it from blowing up the motor. However, now that fuse has to be replaced. That means it has to be ordered.  Uh-oh. Someone doesn’t have a truck to drive…

FIL is pissed. SIL is pissed. BIL is pissed. Me? I’m just sitting in my seat, throwing back popcorn and grinning like a loon.

When In-Laws Get Terminal

My FILs health has been on the rapid decline over the past few months after he decided giving chemo a try for the multitude of cancers that have recently been discovered. A couple of years ago, a form of cancer was found and at that time he went with the hormone treatment and surgery as his overall health was not conducive to anything like chemo or radiation.

The treatments are kicking his ass, but not the cancers’. His malaise and fatigue are so bad that he’s been hospitalized for fluids building up in his chest cavity due to lack of physical activity. He’s made it to his ninth decade of life, morbidly obese and hasn’t been able to walk from one end of our home to other without being utterly winded, and this was BEFORE the cancer. His own home is a trap, narrow and cramped, preventing him from even manipulating his walker. It’s guts me to watch my husband watch his dad wither.

A few weeks ago when FIL went to the hospital for the first time with the fluid building up, he was taken by ambulance. It was a scary situation and what turned into a possible overnight stay turned into a four-night stay. One of the first things my MIL asked upon hearing he was not coming home that night was, “Well, what about me?!”

He since has gone home under very strict home instructions like elevating the legs when sitting, physical therapy, and diet restrictions. He thinks the therapy is “torture” so he doesn’t go. The diet is being maintained only because the chemo makes him sick. And the MIL complains that when he puts his feet up, it blocks her path.

She sounds selfish, doesn’t she? But he takes the cake. MIL has been on the wagon for a couple of years, but not voluntarily. It was a family-induced prohibition. FIL had set aside HIS alcohol in the basement because she was incapable of managing the stairs, but when his illness became so bad he could no longer manage the stairs, he brought the booze upstairs. Of course, he couldn’t NOT offer his wife a nightcap so he would mix her one knowing full well she’s recovering. He’s defending his actions by saying he’d only give her one. What he didn’t know is that once he fell asleep, and really he’s rarely awake, she was shooting it down, one jigger at a time. Insensitive and ignorant grandchildren were providing it in the form of either birthday or Christmas gifts, knowing grandma’s problem, because my husband had prohibited the home nursing aide from buying it for them.

I know. This isn’t cohesive and probably sounds like I’m being just the bitchy DIL, but there isn’t enough white space here to truly explain this further without providing enough details here to get myself googled and busted. I had to get it off my chest. My poor husband has to witness his parents killing each other and themselves and he feels trapped between the demands of being the respective son and a responsible human being.

In-Law Phobia

Soceraphobia – fear of parents-in-law.

While I’m not scared of mine, much like flying, spiders, bats and anything similar that makes me want to throw up when I experience them, I try to avoid them.

Driving Me Nuts

My FIL believes that garage door openers need to be hidden in the car, not left out in the open. He says that if thieves can see the opener, they will break into the car, try to get the code for the opener and then break into your house.

This is from the same guy who when he went to church, would leave the keys in the car and shift it to neutral. This was supposed to prevent the ruining of the drivetrain in case “some asshole” ran into his car while he was in the church. Supposedly he has stopped doing this.

After the election of Obama to office, he went out and bought himself an insanely expensive, gas-guzzling SUV because he was convinced that once in office, Obama was going to ban all but electric cars. Two years have passed and that SUV has less than 1,500 miles. Yes, that comma is in the right place and no, no zeros are missing. He can’t drive it. It’s too complicated to run and too hard to get in. Did I mention that my FIL will be 90? He shouldn’t even have a driver’s license because he can’t see!

Now he has to come to grips with the realization that since he can’t drive it, he’ll need to sell it. If someone has the kind of money he wants for that ridiculous vehicle, they sure the hell aren’t going to spend it on a “used” car, and he doesn’t get that.

A DIL’s Work Is Never Done

When my future MIL had to go overseas for work she asked if I would mind HELPING FIL with the two younger children whilst she was away. I knew she was worried about her kids, so I agreed that my fiancé and I could come and stay for the 3 nights while she was away. FIL took this to mean that while she was gone I was his slave. He went out each night until morning and did not help me look after his children AT ALL. I was expected to drive them around, cook, clean inside and outside of his house – this included sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, wiping and washing clothes daily. I was never asked to do anything I was TOLD to do EVERYTHING.

Because he lives like an absolute slob leaving anything he touches anywhere he wants and because I am not used to looking after children myself I got a little behind with everything. When he got home there were dirty dishes on the sink that I was planning to get to once hanging some washing. FIL saw dirty dishes and, instead of asking if I needed some help, told me that there were dirty dishes in the sink. I told him I would get to them. He then actually had the nerve to ask me if I was actually a female (no, I look nothing like a male), because a REAL woman will never let anything be dirty. 

The whole time that she was gone, he insulted me, tried to shame me, ordered me around, complained that I didn’t do things good enough and told me I was not a woman. When his son was around though, he acted extremely grateful for my help.

One night my man was working, FIL invited all of his friends over to drink, which his wife does not allow. They were there until early morning, being loud and keeping the young boys up until early morning on a school night. Atop of this he continued to treat me the way that he did whilst my partner was not around in front of his friends and encouraged them to ask me if they needed anything. All night I was expected to fetch drinks, ice, snacks, MEALS. urgh 

I will never subject myself to that again. I am very glad my partner has no sisters, because I see how females are treated in that family. When we have children, he will be thoroughly outlined the way that I believe PEOPLE should be treated, and if he sees differently, will not have any contact with them.

Shit My FIL Says II

My FIL said, “So, I wonder when Hussein Obama’s going to come take away all my guns! I’d rather melt them all down rather than let that sonufabitch have ’em!”

Our response: “If you’re so worried about that happening, sell them and get your money’s worth and call it done.”

What I wanted to say: “Wow, you sure are full of yourself, aren’t you? Do you seriously think President Obama has interest in your collection from the Civil War, WW1 and WW2? Luckily, at 90, crippled and extremely obese, you’ll easily fly under their radar when they’re out looking for terroristic arms dealers, mmkay?

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